Transition

As I transition through this shift, I am overwhelmed with apathy. I manage to get by at work with doing the absolute minimum. My desire to be creative is slim and my need to attend yoga is minimal.

I feel constantly exhausted. I am completely burnt out.

It feels like I have been forced to stop, to take the time to step back, reassess and enjoy life. I am struggling with the internal mental battle of accepting that I don't need to go to yoga every day. My mind keeps telling me I should be going to yoga while my body just wants to rest. It is hard to switch that voice off - it's like a plague of guilt hanging over me.

Saying 'no' at work has been my greatest respite. I accept that I don't have take responsibility for everything. Actually, I am getting pretty good at not being a control freak at work anymore but I also know it is ok to allow myself to travel through this phase, to allow my body to rest. Sitting still is not something that comes easy for me as someone who usually juggles life and gives 150% in everything.

So I have decided that my health is far more important and it is vital to take some time - often, to nurture and replenish.

Thank you to my friends who continue to support me as I travel on this path, providing me with your guidance and wisdom.

Transformation

In searching for my mojo - my inspiration, creativity and zest for life, I have entrenched myself into meditation. Meditating daily to reflect, explore and just see what comes up. I particularly enjoy meditating in nature, taking in the green energy from plant life. Nature has so much energy. It is a healing source in abundance.

Through my meditation, and contemplation, I have realised that I place a lot of pressure on myself. At work I feel that I must be seen at certain events or to do certain things because of my position. At home I become displaced if I don't participate in a minimum number of yoga classes per week, or if I don't keep up with the course work set by my uni lecturers. I have created rules in my life and have abided by these for so many years that it is now a difficult cycle to break.

Since falling ill, I have begun to really listen to my body and inner intuition. I have started to take the time to nurture my needs and it is as if the illness has forced me to do this. The human body is a complex and intelligent system - it is quite likely this is exactly what it was doing.

But more than this, I look at so many things differently - in every aspect of my life. I am asking myself questions that I thought I knew the answers to. My spiritual curiosity is at its forefront and I am seeking knowledge through other spheres. My astral communication and visualisation is highly active through my dreams. This can be a lot of information to absorb, but I feel that perhaps I am now ready to receive these messages and, just maybe, this whole experience has been a necessary role in my transformation.

Negativity

Edward Burne-Jones, The Wheel of Fortune, 1875-1883

I have been without internet access or a home phone connection for almost three weeks, until now. It was amazing to see how much I have become reliant on technology. I pretty much use the internet every day, whether it's to post here on my blog, research for uni, check out the weather or what's on tv.

What was really interesting was how irritated I felt when things did not go according to my plan and I did not receive the support and service I thought I should. I was already suffering from a flu virus which didn't help matters. Not only was I irritable, I was rude to people trying to help me.

Is it that our expectations are too high, or is it that our service industry is lacking? I have always thought it was the latter. Maybe this is the case but it does not excuse rude behaviour, even if the other person was rude first. I felt awful for being so horrible and demanding, even though I had already apologised the damage had been done. The bad energy was already out there. It was unnecessary and out of character for me.

The negative energy I created was wasted energy. It stores in the body and becomes toxic. Many health practitioners believe this is where most of our modern ailments arise from. And it is not surprising if this is the society we have developed for ourselves to live in. It is far easier, and kinder for everyone, to take a deep breath and accept the situation. Not always easy to do but something I will try to remember.

Over it

Sleep of Reason, Goya 1797

I have blogged before about trying to find balance between a demanding job and part-time study. I feel pretty bad that I can't seem to manage the ups and downs of my life when I don't have to juggle a family as well. I know plenty of people who do all of this and then go home to look after the family at the end of the day. At the same time, I have friends who share my sentiment and feel its is doubly hard to manage doing it all alone.

A colleague at work suggested I read a book called Thirty Something and Over It, for a laugh if nothing else. Sure enough, the book was very easy to relate to and hit home on a number of issues especially since the author worked in a very similar environment. I started to question what it is that I actually do. I mean, I know what I do on a day to day basis but I can't see how this really adds value to society, let alone to my life. Working for large corporations lack substance and meaning. It seems to be largely fluff and fold.

So back to this book. By the end I realised that everyone absolutely needs balance in their life. To continue to work for heartless conglomerates one must have other interests. It is imperative to make time for relationships, family, friends, hobbies, sports and general down time. Lets face it, big corporations simply pay better so the opportunity to maintain a reasonable lifestyle is available and largely the reason why so many people do it. Money certainly isn't everything but it can make life a little easier and it can also allow time to focus on the things that are important to us, so long as the balance is there.

For almost two weeks now I have reduced my working hours to somewhat 'normal'. Well, its probably still longer than some of my peers but its considerably less than before and I feel like a completely different person. Its amazing how easy it is to get sucked into the dredge of being at work for lengthy hours week after week. Its too easy and it shouldn't be. In fact, its harder to make the effort for change but the results are wondrous.

Downtime

I’ve just been through the inconvenience of losing my telephone and internet connection.  Its really quite silly and interesting how we are now a society who relies so heavily on cyberspace, especially since I remember the latest in modern technology was a clunky rotary dial phone fixed to your kitchen wall. Message bank and mobile phones were unheard of; you just called back later.

Everything has sped up creating bigger and faster downloads, wireless connections and handheld devices that do it all. Since I started studying again, I made the decision to connect with the biggest monopoly in the telecommunications market, purely for reliability.  Many a time I have logged on at midnight or 5am in a desperate bid to squeeze in a bit more research for my latest paper. I didn’t and don’t want to have to waste time with ‘busy’ periods and being booted out of the system.  But I think that in our busy, bigger and faster world that these days are now gone.  So many more services are available, many of them quite reliable and considerably cheaper.

When I reported the fault with my provider there had been some strong winds so I assumed this was the cause for losing my connection. Perhaps it was the reason but there was never any definitive answer or logical explanation given.  Additionally, I had to wait 24 hours before a technician would even take a look at it and I was promptly told that if the error was due to a hardware fault I would be charged a fee. The customer service was, not surprisingly, lacking. Ok, it wasn’t dire circumstances. I do have a paper due next week and I am currently two weeks behind my course work.  My problem – granted, but I do expect to have a reliable connection so that I can get on with it, at least thats what I pay for. 

The whole experience was quite frustrating. I became irritable, annoyed and lost my patience. I disliked the way I had become so reliant on modern technology and the way this experience made me feel. The reality is that this is how we live, these are the ways of modern society and technology in the twenty first century. If we don't keep up we just get left behind with constant updates and changes.  I could end with a cliche and suggest becoming a hermit on top of a mountain somewhere but I think even the reality of this is becoming less of a possibility.

Letting it flow

Medicine (1901)

Gustav Klimt

I have a demanding job.  I love to practice yoga. Normally, the vinyasa and meditation provide balance and peace.  Except that I have the added challenge of trying to complete a degree as well. 

The first half of this calendar year was exhausting and it eventually got to the point where there was no balance in my life.  I only just passed my end of term exam by one and a half marks. I spent so much time at work that I simply was not prepared.  Luckily for me, I worked pretty hard throughout the term to get good grades on my papers so managed to achieve an overall credit. 

I found the only way I could switch off from work, come home and write papers, was to have a glass of wine.  Except, it wasn’t just one glass but two or three – almost every night. The less often I practiced yoga, my breath and vinyasa, the more alcohol I consumed. This certainly is not a habit I want to fall into each term but hey, the results were there so I really can’t complain. But most students I know drink whilst writing papers.  

Maybe this is a cultural manifestation society has created.  I mean, if you look at many creditable artists or writers they all spent most of their time out of it. During Paris in the early 1900s, Impressionists, Fauvists and Dadists hung out in cafes and bars drinking for days only to go home and create some great masterpiece.  And then of course there are the extremists like Jackson Pollock who spent most of his life in a drunken stupor. 

Clearly there is something to be said for alcohol and mind altering substances to release creativity. Its a little bit sad that we live in such crazy and busy times that we need assistance to get in touch with our emotions and let the creativity flow.